Help for Carers

Speaking as someone with personal experience of anorexia, the disease doesn't just damage the sufferer, it damages those that care about them too. I saw what I was doing to myself, but my family saw it too. Everyday they watched as my body slowly ate itself away, and no matter how hard they tried they couldn't stop it from taking over and taking control. Looking back there is no way they could have stopped it - there is hardly any information out there for those that care about someone dealing with the disorder - so I thought a page about what you could do and say may be of some use.

Anorexia is a selfish disease

DO

• Accept and understand that sufferers will be wrapped up in themselves and spare little thought for others
• Try and communicate your concerns. You could try and give examples about specific times when you felt concerned  or worried about the person’s eating habits. If it is the start of what you think could be anorexia, explain that you think these things may indicate that there could be a problem that needs professional attention - but don't accuse them of suffering from it and don't be angry at them.
  

DON'T

• Blame them, or say hurtful things - it will make things worse. Remember it's not the person themselves that is selfish, it's the thoughts and feelings of  low self-worth that are the real enemy. Your fight is with them, not with the person.
• Do not use accusatory “you” statements like, “You just need to eat more.” Or, “You are acting irresponsibly.” Instead, use “I” statements. For example: “I’m concerned about you because you refuse to eat breakfast or lunch.” Or, “It makes me afraid to hear you vomiting/seeing how little you are eating."
  
• Letting them know you are there for them will help. Try saying something like "I don't want you to go through this by yourself," or "I'm here to help you."
  

Anorexia is a form of control

DO

• Realise that control is a source of immense comfort to any anorexic, it certainly was to me. It seems very strange to say this but it felt like it was my best friend at times because it gave me at least some control in my chaotic life. It could be counting calories on backs of packets, only eating small meals - certain numbers of foods, or certain types of foods.
  
• Give the sufferer as much control as possible in as many ways as you can. Perhaps you could let them cook dinner or let them give you a hand in making it?
• If you are cooking for an anorexic, include these in the recipe as they are 'safe'.
• Encourage them to eat more without saying so - maybe you could fill the fridge with things you know they do like. If, like me, it was fresh fruit and vegetables, a stir fry is a good way of adding some fat. If it's cereal, dried fruit and nuts are great to add.

DON'T

• Get upset if all they talk about is food - it's what dominates their life
• Encourage anorexia by accepting 'being fed'. Often anorexics love to see other people eat and enjoy their meal but won't eat any themselves. Why not try mirroring how much they eat, they have a spoonful - you have a spoonful. That way they have to eat more.
  
• Watch them eat - it may be helpful to go into another room while they do
  
• Rifle through bins to see what they have eaten - trust is a very big part of helping them recover
  
• Say things like 'well done' if they eat alot - the anorexic voice interprets that as 'you've eaten too much!'

Anorexia is a result of pain

DO

• Try to understand the reasons why they are suffering so much pain. It could be a result of a trauma in the past such as bullying, family break-ups.
• Let the sufferer know you are there for them, you are there to listen, you are not there to judge.
• Seek help from a local eating disorders association - they can help put you in touch with other carers going through the same things as you
• Remember it's not your fault - they key is acceptance, realising there is a problem, changing the thoughts and feelings about themselves and repairing the body and try and restore it back to a healthy weight.
  

DON'T

• Ever tell them to 'pull themselves together', or bring the hurtful memories back for them to experience, it will only make things worse
• Avoid conflicts or a battle of the wills. If the person refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem, or any reason for you to be concerned, restate your feelings and the reasons for them and leave yourself open and available as a supportive listener.You can only do so much
  
• Give up!
  

Anorexia is not curable overnight

DO

• Recognise that anorexia is a serious and life-threatening disease. Once it gets hold it can take months or years for not only the sufferer to accept they have it and seek help, and possibly longer to recover back to full health.
• Avoid conflict - once recovery is underway the person may relapse and have the odd 'bad day', when the anorexia demon comes back - this is normal.
• Stay calm, restate your feelings and the reasons for them and leave yourself open and available as a supportive listener.You can only do so much!
• Take care of yourself. It is very easy for a carer to get too involved and too close to helping the sufferer recover. Take some time to yourself and treat yourself now and again.
  

DON'T

• Expect to see weight gain overnight. So much damage is done on the insides - internal organs need to repair. It is a long process.
• Lose your trust or fait in them. If they say they have eaten already, don't be the food police and question it. If they are going to lie they will lie, there is nothing you can do to stop that. With time they will be happy to tell you what they have eaten themselves - a sure-fire sign they are recovering.
• Say things like 'Oh you look so much better', 'you look so well', 'you are looking healthy'. These will be interpreted by the anorexia demon as 'you're getting fat!!!'. Turn these around to things like 'you don't look so tired today', 'I like your hair/shoes/clothes'.
• Neglect your life - you have to live too - so stay focused at work and try and put some distance between you and the sufferer now and then.