Anorexia and me

I guess I should begin my story by telling you a little bit about me. My name's Liam, I'm 26-years-old, and I work in E-communications for a housing association here in the UK.

I own my own home, I have two degrees in History - a BA and an MA, and I always did well at school. I'm an uncle to two gorgeous nephews, and I have my whole life ahead of me. Trouble is, I nearly threw that all away.

I wish I could pinpoint a precise date in time that I started to develop anorexia, because at some point in time my life turned into one about control, discipline and punishing myself. I had no desire to slim down for the 'body beautiful', or do excessive exercise to get the perfect body. My anorexia developed over time. It was a consequence of some pretty shitty parenting, years of bullying by my stepfather, my brother and a lack of protection from my selfish mother. Throw in the stress of growing up with an absent father and the sudden shock of your little sister becoming pregnant at 16 and you've got a lethal cocktail for being pushed over the edge. From that moment on I let this demon anorexia take control of everything I did in my life.

Why I developed anorexia

Although I loved my job working in London as a financial journalist, which I started in May 2008, I was signed off sick by my doctor in February 2009. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and suffering from an irregular heartbeat. You see a number of things had happened over the previous 12 months that had caused anorexia to flare up.

Firstly, I had an irregular heartbeat. I was prescribed Wafarin, which is basically a rat poison, to thin my blood before it was safe to electrocute my heart and shock it back into rhythm (cardioversion). However the drug made me feel dizzy, light headed, and very very cold and didn't help my condition either. The doctor had also given me an anti-depressant called Citalopram, but it hadn't worked. My sleep was awful, trying to manage only 2-3 hours a night, so I was given 28 Tamazapan tablets to help.

So why was I depressed? Why was my heart broken?

I was depressed because of what had happened to me in the past. To give you a very brief overview, I was struggling to cope. I had lost my best friend who had got married and left the house we had bought together which was now plummeting in value, I still had the painful memories of my dad running off with another woman when I was seven, the years of bullying both at school, by my older brother when I got home from it each day, the emotional bullying by my stepdad and a mother who let it all happen because all she thought about was herself.

On top of this I had the stress of living and working in London on very little money and very few friends, and to top it all off I also had the sudden knowledge that my grandfather (on my absent dad's side) who I never spoke to had won a hefty amount of money on the National Lottery. He'd won over £7 million pounds and there I was eeking out a living in the City of London, while lots of nasty family members on his side were coming out of the woodwork and making contact with me over Facebook. Yes, I had lots of problems I was struggling to to deal with emotionally.

Before I truly recognized I had developed anorexia I would know exactly what I’d eaten throughout the day. It had started by counting the precise number of calories (those green, red and orange symbols on food packaging really doesn’t help those of us with eating disorders, take note supermarkets). I’d weigh myself first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I’d weigh myself after a meal or a night out. I’d weigh myself naked, I’d weigh myself clothed. I’d panic when I’ve put on a pound or two, and smile to myself when I'd lose it again.

There are some foods that were a no go. I would do everything in my power to steer clear of bread, cheese, full-fat milk, chocolate, fast food, fatty meats, pasta, chips and crisps. I would however drink diet soft drinks till the cows come home (sugar free is a must), and eat tomatoes, mushrooms, broccoli, cauliflower, sugarsnap peas, carrots, leeks, peas – even sprouts - but all in moderation. If my blood sugar ever ran low it would be a pear, grapes, apples, pears or bananas. You may think what’s the problem? After all vegetarians manage to survive...Well such a low calorie diet, and given that I am 6'2 meant I was constantly hungry and constantly tired. So I'd perk myself up with some more diet coke, chew gum (sugar-free) or light up a cigarette – the worst thing you can do.

A typical day

A typical day for me at the height of my anorexia would include the following routine. Wake up – after an awful night’s sleep of a few hours, weigh-in. If happy with weight proceed to kitchen to have one or two mushrooms or a tomato and kick-start metabolism. If unhappy, consider reasons why. Going to the loo can often knock a pound off, so try that. If successful repeat step 1, if not I resign myself to a day on low rations.

After a morsel or two I will walk or cycle the four miles to work. Upon arrival it would be a cup of tea (no sugar) and I’ll settle down to work with a grumbling stomach. I would try and hold this out for as close to midday as possible, but chewing all the gum in the world will fail by 10-30 to 11, so it’s off to the kitchen for a bowl of hot porridge (120 calories) with a banana (90) and a sprinkling of sugar (20). This will have to last me into the afternoon so I savour every mouthful.

Come 1’o’clock the smell in the office of everyone’s food is unbearable, so I will go for a walk to the library and have a cigarette or three. Come back at 2 and the afternoon begins. By 3pm it’s getting tough, so I’ll fetch myself a handful of carrots or some sugarsnap peas, perhaps even a small handful of cornflakes. But by 4pm my body is aching for food. A box of raisins and an apple or a banana will do here and that will see me through till dinnertime.

When work ends I'd trudge or cycle the four miles back home, where I will reward myself for the good day with one of the two following dishes. A small plate of vegetables with a pitta bread and a couple of slices of ham, maybe half a carrot, or a cup of soup with 2 crackers or a bowl of raisin Shreddies with piping hot skimmed milk. Dessert would be a rich tea biscuit or a small chocolate treat from my secret hoard - followed by guilt.

And that concludes the daily meal sheet. If I was feeling lonely, which was virtually every night, I'd hit the vodka with diet lemonade and get drunk, but no matter how much alcohol I'd drink I’d still wake up hungover the next day and do it again, causing even more damage to myself.

This downward spiral continued for a year - until my body and mind gave up.